I still have a lot of self doubts at the moment. I know it’s not healthy and beneficial but I really can’t help it. I’ve been fighting it yet I can’t still win the war. Not at this point.
Not when I’m being weak;not when I’m scared and doing a lot of negative self talk and obviously not when I’m ranting all of my misery in writing and posting it for the whole world to see.
Therefore, I decided to stop. And start helping myself for real. I mean it this time.
Truly cease all the activities that don’t contribute with my well being. Bring to an end the whole lot that pulls me down. I don’t want to stay weak. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I just want to be okay. Wake up and feel good about many things in my life. Probably focus myself to more positivity than otherwise.
For what’s it worth, I think I only have myself that would help me endure and get through with this life.
Smiling would be a good start. It’s amazing what I can hide just by putting up a smile and plaster it on the face.
However, it may be frustrating to say the infamous “I’m Okay” line to preclude any further questioning. It’s also amusing to note how people conveniently accept that line. However, the most disappointing maybe is those people who you thought knows you well and supposedly know better than to believe such ambiguous line.
Nonetheless, at some point it’s easier when you don’t get into details of what you’re really thinking or feeling at the moment. Most people don’t really bother or understand.
I come across to realize that people, even friends, will not always be around. Not even those who said that they will always be there whenever. Everyone is too busy with their life. Enduring own tragedies and embracing delight.
It hurt me. I admit that it wounded some part of me (in a figurative way). In this time and age that serves no excuse anymore for lack of communication, I wonder why.
Maybe, it’s my fault. Perhaps it is best to just put the blame on myself. And perhaps, it’s best to put a distance this time. I’m not complaining anything about it. That’s just reality. I understand it all because that’s the least I could do.
One can only depend on one’s self and the man up there in heaven.
It may be best for me not to care as well. To those people who don’t really care. To those that hurt me. To things I cannot change and doesn’t mean me well.
Kamille Victoria S. Trinidad, March 2013
“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you find the strength to start all over again.”
– Adapted from the Curious case of Benjamin Button
I think I already know the root of why I’m still in distress for the past couple of months since that incident. It is the reason why I can’t relax and be as happy before. The grounds as to why I don’t want to build any personal relationships anymore and I don’t let anyone near my heart again.
I’m keeping everyone out – including myself.
I cannot bring myself to trust anyone anymore. I lost faith in everything and everyone.
I isolated myself and I’m not letting anyone come close to me.
Sure, people will find it hard to believe that. Not with the smiles and happy disposition displayed. I am putting quite a show. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety alone. I’m putting too many boulders on my shoulder. I’m being too hard on myself and I know it.
To be honest, I’m not even sure how I’ll be able to give anyone my trust and more importantly how to give it to myself all over again. I guess after the series of events that I failed and disappointed my own self, I’m finding it hard to listen to that thing they called brain.
I told myself that I won’t think of unhappy things anymore. I vowed not to look back. I left everything in oblivion. But the thing is I haven’t made the first step. I’m still on that place when I told myself I needed to change my life. And I know why.
The pain of the past still haunts me. It is the one that holds me back to get myself started towards the best life I deserve. I’m scared that if I make a move, I’ll get hurt again. I fear for the worst.
I know I’m fighting one of the toughest battles of my life - that is to have a life. Rebuild what was shattered before or create an indestructible one.
I’ve been telling myself that when you want to change your life, it is not enough to keep all the plans on doing so inside that head. Start acting on it. No one’s going to do it for you. It’s either you’re going to do it or not. Stop making excuses.
And when you decide to do it, mean it. You’re not fooling anyone but yourself if you are still the way you are from the time you decided to such time that change should have happened already.
I know I’m still fooling myself as of this writing. If not, I won’t bother writing this. I just hope it’s true that it will never be too late and I still have enough time.
Kamille Victoria S. Trinidad, February 2013
Each broken connection will pave the way for new people and new names and new memories and new friendships – and I know how much you love personal history but, trust me. The new will be so much better for you.” – Isa Garcia
Attachment and Commitment- two words that helped me realized and comprehend some things in my life this year.
2012 is not a bad year for me. Not even after the series of events that stricken me. I mean, it’s not like I could look forward to 365 days of sunshine to call it a good year. Crap happens, that’s life. I tried my best to be resilient. After all, that’s the least I could do for myself. Although, I’m not sure how well I managed doing that. But I suppose it would be fair for me to say that I’m not perfectly okay but I’m surviving.
To be honest, I felt loneliest during those times. It was really heartbreaking. Not just because of the situation but because of betrayal. I’ve told some friends how shocked I was to realize that there are people around me who don’t really care- people whom I regarded as friends then. Not anymore.
I’m grateful for all the encouragement and love that people gave me wholeheartedly especially during those difficult times this year. Particularly, those people who made way in spite of their busy schedules to talk and spend time with me. I come to realize who will be there for me unconditionally and those who just want to tag along when necessity dictates. Right now, it doesn’t matter to me if I have fewer friends in my phone book and hardly had any time or phone credits to communicate. I know in my heart that they are the people that I could trust my life with.
I finally understood why some people are picky and don’t like to be attached or commit themselves to another person in any kind of relationship. The pain of betrayal could really shatter one’s spirit. But the good thing about it, as to anything, is the wisdom you get out of it.
I wish I could elaborate more on how this year changed my perspectives in life because this writing may be the last activity you’ll be seeing from me until half of next year. Well, that is if I could actually restrain myself. I’ll just end this with me saying that despite the emotional roller coaster I’ve gone through (although, it is still not enough to pass as a drama queen because I’ve known a lot who’s way better than me with their rants posted every status, photo and tweet every minute), I have tighten my bonds with the right people and burned all bridges to those whom I casted in oblivion.
-Kamille Victoria Trinidad, December 2012
I told myself that I’m not supposed to write anything today but I just couldn’t contain my happiness. Not only did he smiled at me, but we actually had our first conversation today. He greeted me Happy New Year in advance since it was the last day for the class this year and told me to be careful on my way home :D He’s the sweetest really. I am figuratively jumping for joy :)
I was browsing through my Multiply account to see if I could retrieve my files there…somehow. Unfortunately I do not have the time to do that anymore. It was nice seeing my old blogs, pictures and other stuffs. Reminded me of all the crazy times with friends, rants and silliness. It also made me reminisce how I used to write poetry and do creative works and writings~ something I haven’t done lately. And something I, as Francis told me months ago, refuses to write.
I’m super frustrated today. Not the first time but it really sucks when I go into this mode. I take pride with me being a perfectionist but its really crazy when I’m pushing myself to achieve a certain result. It sucks even more when it coincide with me feeling stupid because I don’t have an idea how to do it. I refuse to experiment on it and do things my way because of fear that I could cause a vital error. Besides, its not my place to defy norms. Not yet.
I think my brain cells died.
Evidently, its not the best day but since I’m looking forward to an out of trip, I intend to push all that negative thoughts out of my system for now.
I’ll attend to my issues once I’m back in Manila.